Arranged Marriages
My next encounter was at age nine. Here is an excerpt, written in my newly acquired cursive handwriting, from one of my blue aerogramme letters (yes, we actually wrote paper letters back then!) to my Dad who couldn’t take as much time off from work as was needed for the long trip so he was back in America:
“Dear Daddy
It is a whole new experience for me at India. We have a cat and a dog at our house. The dog and cat actually eat Indian food! It’s very, very hot here and (my brother) and I are getting bumps (i.e. mosquito bites)…
When we came to the train station, lots of people came to see us. Sometimes we have our food on banana leaves and sometimes on plates…”
Then, my first encounter with the concept of an arranged marriage, this time for my uncle: “Tha tha (grandfather) has found a lady for Mama (Uncle). We have to wait for the lady’s father’s answer if Mama can marry the lady.”
How would you feel about an arranged marriage? Is that totally foreign to you or have you known someone that has been involved in an arranged marriage?
| July 30th, 2008 at 11:19 am
I have actually thought about arranged marriages oddly enough and what it would be like. On the one hand, it would make it much easier than having to play the dating game so to speak. On the other hand, what if you end up with a stinky old guy and you’re a sweet beautiful woman. What if even worse yet..you have such huge personality conflicts that you end up hating each other.
I don’t know, I think marrying for love would be the way to go, it’s worked for me so far. But, if it doesn’t work, I say why not get your marriaged arranged the second time around, you never know, sometimes all it takes is to try something new, open your mind, and step out of your box.
| August 6th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
Dear Tamyra,
Once again, I appreciate your detailed insights! When I first read what you wrote, I remember thinking that my friends, especially in the Indian community, family, and I have debated all the pros and cons that you mention regarding arranged marriages for years. And I still haven’t come to any definitive conclusion! I have observed what Indians call “love marriages” and that are in line with our Western notions of matchmaking work or fail, and “arranged marriages” that have been successful or failed also. I think what works ultimately depends on the two people involved and whether they are playing by the same rules and expectations.
What I have witnessed in India is that, though a marriage might be arranged, the prospective bride and groom still usually have the right to decline or consent to the match. I have also noticed that “love marriages” with dating beforehand, have been on the rise in India, especially with increasing coeducation and opportunities for young men and women to comingle in college and the work place.
All these issues have been the subject of deep interest and debate for Indian immigrants raising their children in the West, especially as their children approach the teen years. Should their teens be allowed to date? What about going to dances and the prom? When the time comes to marry, should they find partners with similar cultural heritage, or does that matter?
These are not easy questions to negotiate, and I have seen such the gamut of responses to them among the Indian diaspora over the years. Sometimes, the result is tension, misunderstanding, and strain on the relationships between the generations. My hope is that parents will keep the lines of communication open and encourage their second-generation children to express their feelings and opinions on the topic early on, even before the teenage years, in age-appropriate ways.
Sincerely,
Vasuki